2005-07-12 - 1:15 p.m.
A Year Goes By
She died a year ago today. A year can go by so fast. It’s strange how such a small woman could leave such a big void. We all remember that day like it was yesterday. I think we are all trying to forget. Sometimes I can still see her face. Not the face that we new from our life time, but the face that we had grown accustom to seeing. The sunken in face on the skeletal body. Like a mummy. The way her eyes would move and how she’d reach her hands up into the air as if she were trying to grab onto something. The way her teeth jutted out through her dry mouth. I remember the sounds she would make when trying to talk. Wordless whispers. The kind a child might make. Was she really able to hear or see anything?
I remember the mood, and I wish it wouldn’t have happened that way. Or at all. At least not at that age. There are far too many other people who don’t deserve to be alive. I wonder if it was punishment for the time she tried to kill herself when we were kids. Anyway, God has a fucked-up sense of irony.
The house is falling apart. Literally and figuratively. There are holes in the foundation. Rodent infestation. Peeling paint. Cracking plaster. Holes in the hearts of the people who live there. Nothing there is the same anymore. The neighbors don’t visit. We see them outside and they can’t believe what a mess my father has become. Desperate. They all agree that beyond it all, he is pathetic. Is that what the loss of love will do? I really think he went crazy. I think we all did in our own way. There were far too many pieces to pick up. I think everyone tried to get as many as they could and are making do with those. Still, it’s like being in a leaky canoe. Things will never be the same. But a year has gone by and I’m hoping that the images and feelings go away soon. I’m hoping that everyone comes out of it stronger. In some cases I’m seeing it. In others, it’s obvious that it’ll never happen. I guess time will tell.
