2004-07-07 - 11:12 a.m.
And So It Goes
Where do I begin? It's been strange. It's been frustrating, maddening, heart breaking, etc.
We thought Sunday would be the day, but my mother is still here. I, on the other hand, feel like I'm on another planet. I feel numb. I feel so many things.
Completely lost it on Sunday. As she was in her bed, my father held a 4th of July party. It seemed like the party to end all parties. UGH! I cried. I called my friend SRM. I called P. I even called G., not really wanting to talk to her and believing that being the cold-hearted bitch that she is, she would've been thinking,
"So. What do you want me to do?!?" and then I could hear her telling her family that I called and imagined the things she would've said. "Yeah, so then he calls me...like I care. Get outta here pal! I got my own problems."
Fucking cunt! Yet, after everything, I still called her. She wasn't there or just didn't answer, and I felt like a big baby, which made me even angrier.
So, yeah. This morning I waved to my mum from, like, fifty feet away, and she waved back. She told my sister she wanted water. She wanted the nurse to brush her (my mom's) teeth.
It's freaking us out that last Thursday we were told she had three days at most, and it's now almost a week.
I've stopped telling people that she looks like a concentration camp victim. Before anyone goes into her room, I now say, "Before you go in, take a deep breath and prepare yourself: She looks like Maria Shriver." I called my friend R. at work and told her this. She replied,"Oh my GOD! She looks THAT bad?"
Actually, I'm used to it now. The only things that still frighten me (just a little) are the jerky movements she makes. Other than that...? Her jaundiced skin just seems oddly tan. No different really from that loud, skanky, chubby chic at work with the bad skin, bad highlights, and fat ass, who swears she's hot. Hm...maybe next time I see her, I'll ask her if she's okay, and when she says "yes" I'll say, "Well...you look a little jaundiced. Oh...maybe it's just the bad fake tan. I'm sure your fine."
That's strange. I feel just a bit better.
